It was a beautiful fall day here, in Waukesha, Wis. Though I
had a lot on my mind, the gorgeous weather prompted me to pull on my Packers
sweatshirt, and go outside to rake some leaves. As many writers will tell you, physical
movement often jogs ideas to flow from within, and that morning’s chore did not
disappoint.
Some of you have contacted me privately, and mentioned that
you haven’t heard from me in a while. That is true. I guess I’ve been busy,
possibly even consumed, with an issue that comes to many. Rather than remain
silent, I’ve decided to share what’s been going on, and bring some light to a
difficult situation. If someone who reads this is going through this too, maybe
they won’t feel so alone after reading what I’ve got to say.
A loved one of mine has dementia, possibly even Alzheimer’s
disease. Through trial and error, our family is making our way through… but it
ain’t easy.
Long before Facebook existed, and long before blogging was
ever a thought, my mother suffered from Alzheimer’s. For years before there was
any formal diagnosis of her condition, we began seeing personality changes and
(what some might call) strange behaviors. She was only in her late 60’s at that
time, which seemed way too young for us to even think about her having an
“elderly issue” like Alzheimer’s… but we were wrong.
In the summer of 2000, my mom ended up in the hospital for
Diabetic-related issues, but never went back home. Her confusion, which my dad had
tried to skillfully hide, became evident to the doctors and nurses who cared
for her. They said she needed more attention than my dad could any longer
provide, and she was admitted to the memory care unit of a local nursing home. She
was 72 years old.
My father became the main contact, and received all phone
calls regarding my mom’s care. He made all of her decisions, and my siblings
and I were simply there to support him/them. I thought my dad’s heart would
break, seeing his sweetheart, his partner of more than fifty-plus years, in
such a state. We scrambled to help him wherever we were needed. I mean, what
does someone do, exactly? So… we simply showed up! Sometimes Mom slept through
our visits at the nursing home, so the rest of us would just chat together.
Sometimes she was sweet as pie and kind as could be. Those were good days. Sometimes
she was the exact opposite. She lived there for 2 ½ years until one night in
February of 2003, around midnight, she passed away. Though I’d been supportive
throughout, I openly admit that I counted her passing as a blessing. It had
been a rough few years, and I trusted in God’s promise that she was finally home.
Fast forward now, 16 years. My mom’s sister is now being
affected by the same disease. She’s much older than my mom was – already 93
years old – but otherwise in good health. Sadly, my aunt could not have
children, and so our family, my three siblings and I, became closer to her than
what might usually be the case. For 33 years, ever since her husband passed
away in 1986, she has lived alone. She’s made her own decisions, paid her own
bills, volunteered her time at a hospital - lived her own life. That’s all
changed.
For a while now, we could tell she was becoming more
forgetful, more repetitive with conversations. She admitted she couldn’t do
everything by herself anymore. She still lived alone but with more assistance… until
recently. See if this sounds familiar. Our aunt ended up in the hospital
because of a fall, and will never go back home. Her confusion, which she
skillfully hid, has become evident to the doctors and nurses who are caring for
her. They said she needs more attention than her assisted living facility can
provide, so she has been admitted to a local nursing home. That said, her mixed
bouts of sweetness and kindness mingle with confusion, accusation, and sometimes
even fury.
I can’t say this is surprising to our family, having lived
through our mother’s situation, but it has definitely jolted us all into new
mind sets. My brother and I, who consented to act as our aunt’s Powers of
Attorney for Healthcare, are now the facility’s main contacts for her care. We
receive all phone calls, day or night, regarding her care. We will make all of
her medical decisions, while our dad and siblings, our spouses and children will
be here to support us/her. Sometimes she sleeps through our visits, and we chat
amongst ourselves. Sometimes she’s aware of what’s true, is sweet and kind as
can be. Those are good days. Sometimes she’s the exact opposite.
As the youngest of my siblings, I find myself in an odd
position. When my mother was going through all of this, I was in my early
forties, raising young teens. Todd and the kids were my main priorities, so
even though my mother was important to me, I had many other responsibilities as
well. Now, I find my aunt to be at the center of many of my thoughts. I can’t
help but wonder how she’ll fare, what’s next for her, and in reality, what’s
next for us all?
In the early 2000’s, as our family endured my mother’s
illness, my dad often said how he leaned on his faith to get him through those
difficult days. “Kate, what do people do who don’t have faith?” he’d ask.
Though I’ve been trying hard not to, I find myself worrying sometimes. I know that none of us are promised
tomorrow. I do have faith, and I want to trust God in all of this, so… why
is it so difficult?
As Todd and I stood in church recently, singing along with
the worship band, I thought about everything our family is going through right
now. The songs brought me so much comfort. I thought about God as “the way”
through, knowing he can (and has!) worked out every situation in our lives so
far. He keeps his promises and never abandons us, while shining bright light
into the darkest of places. That is what he does, and who he is! It made me think
about one of my favorite passages in scripture, Romans 8:28 - “In all things, God works for the good of those who
love him, and who have been called according to his purpose…”
Those words are so reassuring to me. We all experience difficult
times, and God does bring us to the other side. Years ago, we watched our
mother go through all of this, and are now watching my aunt. The familiarity of
their similarity is both difficult for me to process, while oddly the same. Yes,
my immediate human questions do arise as to how this will all play out. It
doesn’t look as though our family will be experiencing a quick fix, but rather
more of a journey. However, rather than simply plowing through the difficult,
and quickly turning the page to the next thing, I’m looking for every ounce of
good along the way. There’s no doubt in my mind this path will be packed full
of lessons for us all. Will we, as siblings, grow closer? Will we find strength
we never knew we had for something further down the road? None of us knows. But
I do know this. I’m learning to truly trust God for it all.
Pray for us?
God’s Blessings, Katie
Katie Kolberg Memmel is the author of three books: “Five Fingers, Ten
Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born with a Limb Difference”; “Silly
Stories and Sentimental Stuff”; and “From This Day Forward…” For more
information, or to order her books, visit her website at www.katiekolbergmemmel.com
