God Bless the Grandparents of the World...

            The truth is that I (pretty much) lived my life without grandparents. My mom’s parents both passed away before I was born. My dad’s parents were alive, but they lived in Oregon.I maybe saw them once a year – maybe! That grandfather died when I was 11 years old, which left my grandma. She continued to live in Oregon, but when she visited our conversations grew a little deeper, and a bit more meaningful. She did get to attend my wedding, but then died less than a month later.

            When I met and married Todd, he still had both full sets of grandparents. It seemed so strange to me to have that constant grandparental influence in his everyday-life, and to have these four older family members as such a large part of all their family’s events and holidays. I never personally had the opportunity to relate to what that grandparent/child/grandchild relationship meant or what its true value was (or even could be).

           My first real glimpse of how sweet the relationship could be was when my sister and her husband had their first child, John. I was only 13 at the time, and probably the youngest ‘aunt’ of everyone I knew. It was fun to see my mom and dad’s reactions to the baby, and how they enjoyed and embraced their new role of grandparents. Since I’m the youngest of four kids, more nephews and finally a couple of nieces followed – each child thought of in some special way by my mom and dad.  

           When my son, Tony, was born in 1985, without a left forearm and hand, our two sets of parents were the first calls Todd made. They all handled the news fine on the phone, but they each told me later that after they hung up, they all shed some tears. I’ve since learned that it’s natural for those who love us (in this case it was our parents) to look inward at a time like that, examining their own family medical histories. They desperately tried to connect some dot from somewhere – anywhere - down some familial blood line that would explain why in the world this had happened to their children (Todd and me) and their brand new grandson (Tony)… sort of a “was it something we ever did?” reaction.

Later that day when I called my mom again, this time from my hospital bed, she tried to talk to me about the baby and what had happened earlier that morning, but I cut her off short, saying I wanted to move past ‘the arm thing,’ and not talk about it ‘anymore.’ Funny to think about that now because it seems that most of my adult life has been spent talking about that very thing - and now I’ve even written a book about it! But on that particular day, I was hurting… and so were our parents. (Here’s a link for more info about the book)

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_13?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=katie%20kolberg%20memmel&sprefix=katie+kolberg%2Caps%2C132&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Akatie%20kolberg%20memmel  

            Ever since I had kids of my own (now mine are grown) I can honestly say that I love those two kids more than I love myself. I’d rather have something of serious consequence happen to me than to either one of them. And I’m sure most good parents feel something similar to that – just like my parents did. When they heard that our child had been born with a ‘birth difference,’ they hurt for us, and questioned what the future might hold for all of us. At that moment if they could have stepped in and endured our worry for us, they probably would have… in a heartbeat.

            But that’s not the way it works - we all need to see our own lives through. The best our parents could do was to be supportive, show us they loved us, stop by, hold the baby, make some lunch, babysit occasionally, lend an open ear and a strong shoulder to lean on once in a while. That’s all any of us can do for each other. But it’s a lot…  

            Since becoming a part of the Lucky Fin Project, I’ve witnessed first-hand the love some of these grandmas and grandpas have for their little grandkids. I’ve found a real soft spot in my heart for the grandparents of this world. From little on, I didn’t really know what that relationship felt like; but as I age, I’m seeing such a beautiful connection between grandparents and their grandkids. I love to step back and watch familial interactions, watch the expressions on their faces, read the love they have in their eyes as they watch the kids run and play, and receive the occasional on-the-fly hug. As many of you know, both of my children have been married since 2009, so I get asked quite often, “Do you have any grandchildren yet?” and I answer, “No, not yet, but I’m sure I’ll enjoy it if I ever have that opportunity. ” Every single person that I know, who is blessed with grandchildren, reiterates how much they enjoy their role of grandma or grandpa or nana or papi or hampa or dramma – whatever their little loved ones happen to call them.

            But one thing is certain… the love runs deep. Grandparents love their own children (just like I admitted to loving my own), and when they look into those brand new little faces of the next generation, it’s like reliving their own early parenting experiences (without the responsibility of parenting) except for that they now deeply love TWO people (three, four, five, whatever the number) more than life itself – their own son or daughter and their brand new grandchild. Those grandmas and grandpas love in the good times and in the very toughest of times. They hurt with us and for us.

Is it possible that the more people we have to love, the more love we seem to have to give? From what I’ve seen, the answer is… yes. God bless the grandparents! 

Katie Kolberg Memmel is the author of “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born with a Limb Difference.” For more information, go to her website: www.katiekolbergmemmel.com 

A Perfect Marriage...? I don't think so...

            Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. As of September 19, 2013, Todd and I have been married for 32 years. Here’s a photo of us coming out of our church on that gorgeous Saturday afternoon, dodging rice, as the old custom dictated. Doesn’t it look as though we didn’t have a care in the world?  We were both 20 – I’d just turned, and Todd was soon-to-be 21. Wow…

            I received so many beautiful “Congratulations” wishes, along with “May you share many more years…” sorts of notes. Thank you to all who sent those sentiments.  The encouragements are always so… well… encouraging! ;)  I also received several private messages asking me questions like, “What’s your secret?” and “How’d you do it?” I want to thank you for those messages too, because oddly enough, there’ve been some marital thoughts rolling around in my brain for a few weeks now, and your questions finally prompted me to reflect long enough to write them down. 

            If you read my blog posts regularly, then you know that about three weeks ago Todd and I went to an old friend’s daughter’s wedding. (See my post from 8/30/13, entitled “These are the best of days.”)  As we sat in the great big beautiful Catholic church, watching the two youngsters promise and pledge love to each other until the day they pass, I seemed to be paying closer attention than maybe I’d paid in the past. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve always loved a good wedding – but possibly, the older I get, the more years and challenges that Todd and I add to our combined life’s calendar, the more the vows speak to me. Beautiful, but challenging…!    

            Consider these traditional scripture verses (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8) (NRSV) that have been read at most of the weddings I’ve ever attended – Christian or not – because the verses speak about something all humans strive for and crave… “love.”  

            “Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…” 

            So there you have it – to be married for 32 years, Todd and I must be perfect, right??? WRONG!!!   

            These passages reflect God’s perfect thoughts about love, and ‘perfect’ they truly are. As humans, none of us – NONE. OF. US. – can follow these directives perfectly every minute of every day.  Just think about it…  Have you ever lost patience? What unkind things have you said? Have you insisted on having your own way, no matter what? How about irritable – after a long day at work, have you felt the irritation boiling up, maybe to the point of blowing your top? Have you ever felt envious or resented your spouse because something good is happening for them, when nothing good seems to be happening for you? Have you ever thought, “YES! He/she got exactly what she/he deserved! Na na na na na na na…? (No, me neither…) ;)  Have you always held the belief that things will turn out, hoped they’d turn out, endured when things didn’t turn out…?  Because, according to God, love never ends… (it really does say ‘never ends.’)

            Hmmm… So since none of us mere mortals are capable of complete and wonderful patience and kindness, not to mention the rest of this lengthy list, what should we do? 

            Good question – and the answer will vary according to each individual, each couple, each family, and so on. BUT there is a belief and a thought that “love” is not just a thing – not just a noun. A friend of mine once told me that she envisioned ‘patience’ coming over her like a cloak, just falling onto her shoulders and enveloping her, just perfectly. She had to laugh, knowing how unlikely that scene is. Rather, “to love” is a verb. It’s an action – it’s a choice… I choose to love you every single day – even when you’re not that loveable and not that ‘great.’ ;)  I choose patience and kindness even when I’m feeling arrogant or envious or rude. Maybe because I love, I look at a situation from YOUR point of view and ask myself – do I need ‘my own way’ right now, or is he/she right this time…? Tough? You bet! Humbling? Uhhh Yepp! 

            And the whole point of these actions is that BOTH people in the marriage need to act in these ways. I’ll admit that that’s a pretty perfect scenario, and it doesn’t quite happen like that every single time. You may even alternate in these actions sometimes, but both partners need to be plugged in. But when both people can eventually look at things and come to agreements and compromises and apologize and say “I love you,” then marriage grows and stands a good chance.

 

            Years ago, during a Bible study at my church, we looked at some of the passages about “bearing with” each other. And the point was made that you’ve got to remember that while you are trying to grin and bear it with your spouse, they are also bearing with you. You’re not perfect either – no one is.

            So, what am I trying to say here? Well… since no one is perfect – not even you – and certainly not me - and you know and acknowledge that fact, then your marriage stands a chance. If you’ve got someone who loves you, who you believe wants the best for you (most of the time), and is pretty patient and pretty kind (most of the time) and can say, “Hey, I was wrong this time,” (sometimes)… If the person treats you and your children well, then there’s a good chance you can salvage that marriage and make it work (‘work’ being the operative word). Just like patience won’t fall over you like a cloak, neither will a wonderful marriage. It does take some work! It does! But hopefully, in the long run, that work will be worth it and pay off.

            I think that when we keep these 1 Corinthians verses near and close to our daily lives, our chances of a good life with others, increases. And when we keep their author (Christ) at the core and center of ALL of our dealings, it’s actually our only true chance for true success in our relationships. 

            …and (for now) that’s all I’ve got to say about that…  Thanks for asking J  

Katie Kolberg Memmel is the author of “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born with a Limb Difference. It is available through Amazon. For more information, go to her website www.katiekolbergmemmel.com