I received
so many beautiful “Congratulations” wishes, along with “May you share many more
years…” sorts of notes. Thank you to all who sent those sentiments. The encouragements are always so… well…
encouraging! ;) I also received several
private messages asking me questions like, “What’s your secret?” and “How’d you
do it?” I want to thank you for those messages too, because oddly enough,
there’ve been some marital thoughts rolling around in my brain for a few weeks
now, and your questions finally prompted me to reflect long enough to write
them down.
If you read
my blog posts regularly, then you know that about three weeks ago Todd and I
went to an old friend’s daughter’s wedding. (See my post from 8/30/13, entitled
“These are the best of days.”) As we sat
in the great big beautiful Catholic church, watching the two youngsters promise
and pledge love to each other until the day they pass, I seemed to be paying
closer attention than maybe I’d paid in the past. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve
always loved a good wedding – but possibly, the older I get, the more years and
challenges that Todd and I add to our combined life’s calendar, the more the
vows speak to me. Beautiful, but
challenging…!
Consider
these traditional scripture verses (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8) (NRSV) that have
been read at most of the weddings I’ve ever attended – Christian or not –
because the verses speak about something all humans strive for and crave… “love.”
“Love is patient, love is kind.
Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful.
It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures
all things. Love never ends…”
So there
you have it – to be married for 32 years, Todd and I must be perfect, right???
WRONG!!!
These
passages reflect God’s perfect thoughts about love, and ‘perfect’ they truly
are. As humans, none of us – NONE. OF. US. – can follow these directives
perfectly every minute of every day.
Just think about it… Have you
ever lost patience? What unkind things have you said? Have you insisted on having
your own way, no matter what? How about irritable – after a long day at work,
have you felt the irritation boiling up, maybe to the point of blowing your top?
Have you ever felt envious or resented your spouse because something good is
happening for them, when nothing good seems to be happening for you? Have you
ever thought, “YES! He/she got exactly what she/he deserved! Na na na na na na
na…? (No, me neither…) ;) Have you
always held the belief that things will turn out, hoped they’d turn out,
endured when things didn’t turn out…?
Because, according to God, love never ends… (it really does say ‘never
ends.’)
Hmmm… So
since none of us mere mortals are capable of complete and wonderful patience
and kindness, not to mention the rest of this lengthy list, what should we do?
Good
question – and the answer will vary according to each individual, each couple,
each family, and so on. BUT there is a belief and a thought that “love” is not
just a thing – not just a noun. A friend of mine once told me that she envisioned
‘patience’ coming over her like a cloak, just falling onto her shoulders and
enveloping her, just perfectly. She had to laugh, knowing how unlikely that
scene is. Rather, “to love” is a verb. It’s an action – it’s a
choice… I choose to love you every single day – even when you’re not that
loveable and not that ‘great.’ ;) I choose
patience and kindness even when I’m feeling arrogant or envious or
rude. Maybe because I love, I look at a situation from YOUR point of view and
ask myself – do I need ‘my own way’ right now, or is he/she right this time…?
Tough? You bet! Humbling? Uhhh Yepp!
And the whole
point of these actions is that BOTH people in the marriage need to act in these
ways. I’ll admit that that’s a pretty perfect scenario, and it doesn’t quite
happen like that every single time. You may even alternate in these actions sometimes,
but both partners need to be plugged in. But when both people can eventually
look at things and come to agreements and compromises and apologize and say “I
love you,” then marriage grows and stands a good chance.
Years ago,
during a Bible study at my church, we looked at some of the passages about
“bearing with” each other. And the point was made that you’ve got to remember
that while you are trying to grin and bear it with your spouse, they are also
bearing with you. You’re not perfect either – no one is.
So, what am
I trying to say here? Well… since no one is perfect – not even you – and
certainly not me - and you know and acknowledge that fact, then your marriage
stands a chance. If you’ve got someone who loves you, who you believe wants the
best for you (most of the time), and is pretty patient and pretty kind (most of
the time) and can say, “Hey, I was wrong this time,” (sometimes)… If the person
treats you and your children well, then there’s a good chance you can salvage that
marriage and make it work (‘work’ being the operative word). Just like patience
won’t fall over you like a cloak, neither will a wonderful marriage. It does
take some work! It does! But hopefully, in the long run, that work will be
worth it and pay off.
I think
that when we keep these 1 Corinthians verses near and close to our daily lives,
our chances of a good life with others, increases. And when we keep their
author (Christ) at the core and center of ALL of our dealings, it’s actually
our only true chance for true success in our relationships.
…and (for
now) that’s all I’ve got to say about that…
Thanks for asking J
Katie Kolberg Memmel
is the author of “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child
Born with a Limb Difference. It is available through Amazon. For more
information, go to her website www.katiekolbergmemmel.com
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