The Blessings and Benefits of 40 Years of Marriage

Dating, October, 1980

As often happens in life, 40 years have flown by and snuck up on us. On this day, September 19, 2021, Todd and I are celebrating our 40^th wedding anniversary. Huh? What? That can’t be right…! Yet as I count them off, 40 years do, indeed, compute. 

I remember our wedding day very well. The weather was flawless – 70 degrees, blue sky, light breeze. I had just turned 20, three weeks prior, and he would turn 21 in October. Both sets of our parents approved. They’d also married fairly young, so it didn’t seem crazy or too young or any of the adjectives we might use today, in 2021. We both had direction and were both employed. Yes, marriage seemed like our proper next step.  

Wedding Day - September 19, 1981

While dating, we both lived in our individual family’s homes. About a month before the wedding, Todd moved into the apartment we decided to rent, and our forever-scenario became so much more real. We cleaned the place nd shopped for things we’d need. Family and friends threw us wedding showers, and our new digs started to fill up with pots and pans, dishes, sheets and towels, and other marital gear. The first night I spent in the apartment was on our wedding night. True story! 

Never having lived anywhere else, I had some adjustments to make. Todd’s family had moved several times during his life, but I’d been born and raised in the same house. Fun Fact: My dad still lives there all these years later. Those first weeks and months of marriage were fun, but also sort of strange. Cooking every dinner, washing all our own clothes… everything we did or didn’t do was now up to us. We didn’t have to report in to anyone (except each other) or account for any action - positive or negative. 

Both of us worked full-time, Monday thru Friday, so one of our favorite things to do was to sit around on Saturdays, watching cartoons and early-afternoon mystery thrillers. After that, we’d often go to a $1.00 matinee movie (before 5:00 p.m). The buffet restaurant, Ponderosa, ran good specials, so we’d usually head over there to load up on low-budget steak, baked potatoes, and a whole lotta salad bar. Most Saturday nights were spent watching “Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island”. Who can relate??? From early-on in our relationship, God was important to us, so we usually attended church on Sunday mornings. Our apartment had a little balcony off of our living room, so later in the day, Todd would often grill something (whatever had been on sale that week) on our brand new “Smoky Joe”, acquired at one of my Bridal showers.

So, I must be honest. We also (unfortunately) had our share of arguments. I think about that now, knowing how paper-thin apartment walls can be. Apparently, back in those days, we were either unaware of, or simply didn’t care, what we sounded like. Many of our “discussions” centered around our families, friends, time, and ultimately (yes, you guessed it) money.

Within three months of us saying “I do”, Todd received his first lay-off notice. It seemed devastating at the time, and we were unsure of how he’d ever finish his Sheet Metal Apprenticeship. But he started taking night school courses to better his chances of getting hired. Obtaining his welding certification clinched employment for him during that difficult 1982/1983 recession job market. He definitely learned that he didn’t want to go through his life without a job. If you know anything about Todd today, you know how hard he works. Honestly, he works too hard, which has also been a subject of many heated “discussions”. Ah, life takes much balance… Anyway, these early lay-off lessons have stuck with him (or should I say “haunted” him?) all of these years.

By the summer of 1983, we were able to save enough money to make a down-payment on an older home that needed some TLC. What a feeling! We felt like royalty after we closed on the place. Gone was our Saturday TV watching, and enter, home fixer-upper projects. Both of our kids were born while we lived in that house. Even though we eventually built a house and moved, we cherish many memories from those early years. I wrote about many of these experiences in my first book, “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born with a Limb Difference”.

I’ll say this… While life wasn’t always easy, Todd and I took our marriage vows seriously. My parents had made it clear that unless there was a REAL problem, there’d be no “sleeping at their house” because we had a fight. For that reason, I can honestly say we have never spent a night apart because we were mad. Sure, there were times we each clung tightly to our own side of the bed, or even occasionally (rarely) slept on the couch. But most disputes were settled fairly quickly through talking and apologies, and promises to try harder and do better. Saying “I love you” (and meaning it) is also an absolute necessity.

Todd’s mom had a theory. I can still envision her sitting across the table from me, making the shape of a diamond with her hands. She’d say, “Kate, marriage is like a diamond. It starts out small, with just the two of you. At the middle, while you’re raising your kids, you’ll feel stretched about as far as you think you can go. Don’t cash in though! Eventually, the kids leave home, and it’s just the two of you again, and Kate, those are good years.” She’d nod. I’d nod. I guess I believed her because here we are!

Our son and his family (Tony, Lesleigh and Theo) live in Tennessee. They travel all over the world sharing music and ministry. Though almost 600 miles divide us, we find ways to see each other and be together. When we do, it’s a joy. Our daughter’s family (Megan, Joe, Jake and Annie) live near Tulsa, Oklahoma, about 800 miles from us. Face Time and phone calls keep our feet in the door of our grandkids’ lives. We all do what we can to be in the same room with each other several times per year.

One early Sunday morning, as Todd and I drove home after spending a long weekend with our family, a thought occurred to me, which I want to share with you. Both of us know every piece of our history. We were there, together, for everything – job joys and difficulties; health issues; the buying and building of houses; the births of our own children; deaths of parents, grandparents, and loved ones; challenges of child rearing, especially through sassy teen years; family vacations; the joy of the kids’ confirmation days; attending band concerts and marching band field shows; choir concerts and musical “gigs”; baseball and soccer matches too numerous to count; both kids going off to college; their graduation days; two joy-filled weddings; and the births of three grandchildren. Todd and I have both had front-row seats to living it all - some fantastic, some mediocre, some downright challenging – but having lived it together, we both “get it”.

Mackinac Island, Summer of 2021

When I think about those occasional long nights of disagreements, I give thanks to God that the situations have always been fixable and that common ground was found. I’m grateful neither of us ever marched into a lawyer’s office and asked for a divorce. I know that sometimes that is a necessary step to take, but I’m glad we have been able to somehow compromise and work things out.

None of us ever knows what lies ahead, but I pray we will continue down the path we’re on for years to come. We share so many memories – 40+ years worth! All I can say is that these are the blessings and benefits to a long marriage… and I am grateful.

Katie Kolberg Memmel is the author of three books: “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born with a Limb Difference”, “Silly Stories and Sentimental Stuff”, and “From This Day Forward…” They are all available through Amazon in electronic and paperback versions.