Friday, February 22, 2013

You know you're getting older when...

You know you're getting older when...

We can each fill in the blank here, and our answers will vary as widely as our personality types. Maybe there's a health topic that you find permeating your advancing years - aging eyes or arthritis complaints. Or maybe you can see your age more and more because of your hair texture or its advancing silver-y color. Or maybe there's that extra 'ring around the mid-section' that never seemed to be there before. Bodies change as we grow older - no doubt about that!

But what about the ways we emotionally view things - everyday things - songs, even? Do those sorts of insights change as we get older? Can a song we've heard many times through our lives seem new once we - oh, let's see here - fall in love, get married, have children, lose loved ones?

...or become a boater?

Well, I can't speak for others, but for me - I answer with a resounding YES!

Case in point: A few days ago, I was almost home from an afternoon of errand-running, when an old song came on the radio. It was Gordon Lightfoot - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. That song became popular when I was a sophomore in high school. Throughout my life, I've probably heard it a hundred times. BUT it never affected me before like it did a few days ago.  

I reached my garage about half-way thru G.L.'s storytelling; but rather than gather up my purse and scattered bags, I just sat there in the driveway and listened to the music. I found my eyes beginning to water and my throat closing - as though I was going to cry...?

Through the many years since that tragic accident, Todd and I have watched numerous documentaries about the ship's sinking. We became boaters ourselves. We've spent a fair amount of our summers on Lake Michigan's shores. In 2011, we trailered our boat up to the Apostle Islands in Lake Superior, and spent some time getting acquainted with that vast body of water. It was too cold to swim in in July - can you imagine its temperature in the late fall? (The song says 'the gales of November came early.) As you travel by boat to some of the Apostles' outer islands, and you can't see any land anymore to the north, you get a sense for how scary time on the water could possibly be - on a freezing cold November night in the middle of a storm. The E.F. was only 15 miles from land... tragic. "The church bell chimed, it rang 29 times, for each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald..." Such a haunting custom that mariners practice.

See? It's making me teary all over again!

So as I sat there, no longer 15 years old, but in fact 51, singing along to the song's lyrics I've known most of my life, I tried to process all of my new feelings and experiences of boating.

And I felt changed.

And I think that's okay - maybe even a good thing. Let's hope that life's moments change us - let's hope that as we grow in understanding, our compassion and sympathy deepens.

Otherwise, what's the point?






Thursday, February 14, 2013

Enjoying the here and the right now (sometimes)

Hello and Happiest of Valentine's Days to you and all of yours!

As many of you know, I'm not someone who lives in the here and now. I (unfortunately) worry quite a bit, rather than just waiting to see how things will play out. Life experiences have taught me that there is no need for acting this way. Things have turned out very well, and certainly as they should. But even though I'm a Christian, and I really do believe that my future is in God's hands, I tend to be that person who wants to dictate the who's, what's, where's and why's of my life. What can I say? I'm a work in progress, I guess.

So it was funny. I ran into the grocery store earlier today, just to grab an item I'd forgotten for tonight's v day meal. There, in the bakery area, were containers upon containers of green shamrock cookies. (Double take) (Hold the phone) (What day is it again???)  Isn't it Valentine's Day? Shouldn't we be choosing from pink and red and white heart-shaped offerings, rather than shamrocks? Aren't we more than a month ahead of the game?

It made me stop and think. In the society that we live in, no wonder we think so far into the future. Why, today is the holiday, and we're already being tempted by the next one - which is more than a month off. Let's face it - the retailers trump Halloween and Thanksgiving with all of the Christmas trimmings. Sometimes before Labor Day we can begin choosing our ornaments and garlands for the upcoming season.

Nothing about the material world we live in suggests that we live in any sort of here or right now. Some people find comfort in this. They enjoy being able to get all of their ducks into rows, nice and early, and prepare prepare prepare. For others, it puts actual stress into lives. Sort of an OH MAN! Christmas is right around the corner already??? And it isn't - not really - but that's what it FEELS like because that's all that we see, hear, and take in, for a quarter of a year.

So as I drove home, thinking about all of this, I stopped and grabbed my mail from my mailbox. To my great surprise, there were two (what you just KNOW are) cards. Not bills - nothing that needed a payment of any kind, but yes, actual cards. Like in colored envelopes, with your name handwritten in ink and everything. I couldn't wait to get upstairs, unload my errand-running treasures, and delve into my two (count 'em TWO) cards.  I felt like Snoopy when he puts his nose in the air and does his little dance of joy...

The first one was from a friend that I've known since I was 14 (37 years). We don't see each other very often - maybe once or twice a year - but every so often if we see something fitting, we send each other a silly or sassy card - and I was the lucky beneficiary this time. Of course the card depicted two aging females, who were spouting off a joke with a double entendre - and of course it made me smile and shake my head. The second card was more serious, heartfelt, from a woman I've known for just a couple of years. But there are just some people in this world that you 'click' with - and she is (so definitely) one. Friendship - whether long-term or newly-formed - how wonderful it can be!

I couldn't have predicted how nice getting those two cards would make me feel. It was impromptu. For me, it was unplanned. But knowing that someone thought of me and took the time to say "Hello," well, it felt priceless. And if either of you are reading this, thank you so much!!! You made my day.

So whether we begin celebrating events and holidays months in advance, or whether we begin worrying about things that ever may or may not happen, or whether we don't give a care in the world about any of those things and leave everything up to God - I think we'd all agree that some of life's greatest treasures are those unpredictable friends who surface at just the right moments.

That said, I am feeling blessed to BE a blessing... Next time, it's my turn :)  Have a great day!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Part Two - A Parent's Fear of Bullying

On Thursday, January 31, I posted a blog about bullying, and that in my opinion, it's always existed, it's a part of nature (plants, animals and humans) at every level. I shared that, as a kid, I was called some pretty harsh names and that sometimes others played tricks on me, etc. I also explained that by not quitting band (and other things along the way), but by personally becoming a better musician, I rose above some of those behaviors. I actually watched the bullies around me fall to their own demise - not by anything I ever did TO them, but really, by simply being me - concentrating on and bettering my own self.

So how did all of that play out as I became a mother? Oh boy...

For those of you who've read my book, "Five Fingers, Ten Toes - A Mother's Story of Raising a Child Born With a Limb Difference," you know that at the age of 24, without a prior heads-up, my husband Todd and I became parents to a baby boy who was born missing part of his left arm. After about two days of 'getting used' to that fact, I had about a thousand questions that had already built up inside of me. But one of the main questions was: Will my little boy ever have friends? Will he be picked on? So... as a 24-year-old brand new mother of a child born with a birth difference, not even yet discharged from the hospital, one of my main fears for my new child was - would he be bullied? I (wrongly) figured that if I'd (someone born with two hands) had those bad experiences as a child, I assumed (wrongly again) that a kid with one arm might be a real target.

Though Tony was born in the winter, and for a few months he was bundled up in snowsuits and blankets, the day came that those convenient disguises no longer worked. Spring sprung, and it was time to unveil bare arms. Tony was only four months old, so I had to get with the program. I needed to shed any pre-conceived ideas of what I'd encounter, and I needed to get him out there into the world and figure out how this would all play out. No matter what I felt on the inside, no matter what I knew from my own prior bullying experiences of growing up, I needed to hold my head high FOR HIM and show him that he was FABulous exactly as he was...

Now, HOW?

With God's help, I did it. From his babyhood on, somehow I found the strength to look people in the eyes. I took the time to answer the same questions hundreds of times. I tried to educate anyone who was interested, from little kids to grandparents, about limb differences, letting them know that Tony would be just fine. And as he grew, he saw how to handle things, he heard my repetitive words and so he grew to know his own responses. After a while I paused longer, waiting to see if he'd jump in to answer the questions himself. He did. If I felt it was too difficult a question, I'd chime in. Whatever worked - it wasn't an exact science, but together we figured it out. Even though he was so little, he taught me so much.

Through those continuous public exchanges, his own confidence grew, and he found his own voice.

We enrolled both of our kids in activities that they found interesting. But once they were enrolled, they were in for the semester or year's (whatever amount of time) duration. No quitting. We believe that seeing something through creates confidence - even if you become confident that you don't care for that activity. Sure, sometimes they tried things that didn't work out, but they also became good at other things. And doing your best also creates confidence. Confidence. Confidence. When you are confident, it's a lot harder to believe the negative comments that people make about you. And believe me when I say that people WILL make negative comments about you. I don't care WHO you are, WHAT you look like, or WHAT you've accomplished. We all need to know who we are, and stand confident - kids AND parents!

In  building the kids' self-esteem, I believe they rose above some of the negative conversations that happened around them. We, as parents, talked with them a lot. We shared how 'things' were back in the olden days and made connections to the here and now. We let them know when they were wrong - gave them discipline when necessary. I told someone recently that Tony became a really fine athlete - arm, no arm, three arms - if you're a good soccer player, other kids want you kicking the ball for their team! Substitute the words 'soccer' and 'kicking' in the previous sentence with ANYthing... If you're a math whiz the other math whizzes will find you and claim your numerical wizardry. If you're a good speller, there will be a need for the next 'bee.' If you have a nice voice, the choir group will want you for their next musical or drama performance. 

OH! But you better be kind to others! Don't hotdog around and act like you're 'all that.' Even if you're good, you can get bullied if you're not humble. It's a balance - find the balance!

Did my kids ever get bullied? Well... a little. Nothing they couldn't handle. And they knew we were right there if anything did get out of hand. But by coming home and telling us about it, we could talk strategies about good ways to deal. I was a watcher - Early on I watched how things played out from a bit of a distance, making sure the kids could handle what was coming, and chatting about it later.

Kids - people of all ages really - will find something to tease others about. Grown men in the work place call each other names and criticize each others' clothing choices, for crying out loud! For my daughter, who had all of her limbs, it turned out that her classmates thought her snowpants were the wrong color, and teased her on the playground. (Of course they really were an odd color because it was the end of the season and the green ones were her size and on sale!) (I told her the snowpants helped build her character) (She thanked me) (or course)  ;)

My worst fears about my son being bullied because of his arm really didn't happen. But I did take the time to lay some pretty serious early groundwork. Pay attention, help the kids figure out strategies, use humor, show them how to be kind to others... they will find their ways. 

And the ways can be so good...!

Katie Kolberg Memmel
Author of "Five Fingers, Ten Toes - A Mother's Story of Raising a Child Born With a  Limb Difference"  Available through Amazon as both a Kindle download and a paperback.