On Thursday, January 31, I posted a blog about bullying, and that in my opinion, it's always existed, it's a part of nature (plants, animals and humans) at every level. I shared that, as a kid, I was called some pretty harsh names and that sometimes others played tricks on me, etc. I also explained that by not quitting band (and other things along the way), but by personally becoming a better musician, I rose above some of those behaviors. I actually watched the bullies around me fall to their own demise - not by anything I ever did TO them, but really, by simply being me - concentrating on and bettering my own self.
So how did all of that play out as I became a mother? Oh boy...
For those of you who've read my book, "Five Fingers, Ten Toes - A Mother's Story of Raising a Child Born With a Limb Difference," you know that at the age of 24, without a prior heads-up, my husband Todd and I became parents to a baby boy who was born missing part of his left arm. After about two days of 'getting used' to that fact, I had about a thousand questions that had already built up inside of me. But one of the main questions was: Will my little boy ever have friends? Will he be picked on? So... as a 24-year-old brand new mother of a child born with a birth difference, not even yet discharged from the hospital, one of my main fears for my new child was - would he be bullied? I (wrongly) figured that if I'd (someone born with two hands) had those bad experiences as a child, I assumed (wrongly again) that a kid with one arm might be a real target.
Though Tony was born in the winter, and for a few months he was bundled up in snowsuits and blankets, the day came that those convenient disguises no longer worked. Spring sprung, and it was time to unveil bare arms. Tony was only four months old, so I had to get with the program. I needed to shed any pre-conceived ideas of what I'd encounter, and I needed to get him out there into the world and figure out how this would all play out. No matter what I felt on the inside, no matter what I knew from my own prior bullying experiences of growing up, I needed to hold my head high FOR HIM and show him that he was FABulous exactly as he was...
Now, HOW?
With God's help, I did it. From his babyhood on, somehow I found the strength to look people in the eyes. I took the time to answer the same questions hundreds of times. I tried to educate anyone who was interested, from little kids to grandparents, about limb differences, letting them know that Tony would be just fine. And as he grew, he saw how to handle things, he heard my repetitive words and so he grew to know his own responses. After a while I paused longer, waiting to see if he'd jump in to answer the questions himself. He did. If I felt it was too difficult a question, I'd chime in. Whatever worked - it wasn't an exact science, but together we figured it out. Even though he was so little, he taught me so much.
Through those continuous public exchanges, his own confidence grew, and he found his own voice.
We enrolled both of our kids in activities that they found interesting. But once they were enrolled, they were in for the semester or year's (whatever amount of time) duration. No quitting. We believe that seeing something through creates confidence - even if you become confident that you don't care for that activity. Sure, sometimes they tried things that didn't work out, but they also became good at other things. And doing your best also creates confidence. Confidence. Confidence. When you are confident, it's a lot harder to believe the negative comments that people make about you. And believe me when I say that people WILL make negative comments about you. I don't care WHO you are, WHAT you look like, or WHAT you've accomplished. We all need to know who we are, and stand confident - kids AND parents!
In building the kids' self-esteem, I believe they rose above some of the negative conversations that happened around them. We, as parents, talked with them a lot. We shared how 'things' were back in the olden days and made connections to the here and now. We let them know when they were wrong - gave them discipline when necessary. I told someone recently that Tony became a really fine athlete - arm, no arm, three arms - if you're a good soccer player, other kids want you kicking the ball for their team! Substitute the words 'soccer' and 'kicking' in the previous sentence with ANYthing... If you're a math whiz the other math whizzes will find you and claim your numerical wizardry. If you're a good speller, there will be a need for the next 'bee.' If you have a nice voice, the choir group will want you for their next musical or drama performance.
OH! But you better be kind to others! Don't hotdog around and act like you're 'all that.' Even if you're good, you can get bullied if you're not humble. It's a balance - find the balance!
Did my kids ever get bullied? Well... a little. Nothing they couldn't handle. And they knew we were right there if anything did get out of hand. But by coming home and telling us about it, we could talk strategies about good ways to deal. I was a watcher - Early on I watched how things played out from a bit of a distance, making sure the kids could handle what was coming, and chatting about it later.
Kids - people of all ages really - will find something to tease others about. Grown men in the work place call each other names and criticize each others' clothing choices, for crying out loud! For my daughter, who had all of her limbs, it turned out that her classmates thought her snowpants were the wrong color, and teased her on the playground. (Of course they really were an odd color because it was the end of the season and the green ones were her size and on sale!) (I told her the snowpants helped build her character) (She thanked me) (or course) ;)
My worst fears about my son being bullied because of his arm really didn't happen. But I did take the time to lay some pretty serious early groundwork. Pay attention, help the kids figure out strategies, use humor, show them how to be kind to others... they will find their ways.
And the ways can be so good...!
Katie Kolberg Memmel
Author of "Five Fingers, Ten Toes - A Mother's Story of Raising a Child Born With a Limb Difference" Available through Amazon as both a Kindle download and a paperback.
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